I can't believe it. I got everything in by its deadline. I am still kind of in shock. In fact, I had to call M today because I was having trouble importing a chart from one Word version to another, so I thought I'd take a screen shot of it and just import it as a JPG and my brain was so frazzled I couldn't even remember how to do that. SIGH. I was just 1 +1 = ?????? where is my calculator? Sigh.
And I couldn't even work on Saturday. Friday was really a wash. I went to a poster session on how to create a great poster for the competition later in March and the 3 powerpoints I had to sit through were complete waste of time. God. I even got up early that day, drove to school, took the bus to the library, sat there for two hours and ...what a waste. Anyway. It really threw off my Friday and I don't think I got much work done. Saturday I felt fried from my pre-proposal still. I hadn't any days off to recover. I was annoyed with myself for not working but I also knew I couldn't force myself to. However, I didn't even get to really enjoy it by saying "I am taking today off"--instead I just wasted it and frizzled it away on old City episodes and stuff and laconic reading of this and that with no real processing going on :( Oh well. I know when I can't work, I can't work, and my brain rejected me that day.
Sunday I got up at the crack and worked though. All day. From 10am basically to 5am. It was insane and I was getting stressed out. I mainly worked on my KM article for the conference proceedings. I was glad I had my diagrams done earlier. Then I went to bed at 5am and woke up around 9:30 and worked on my fellowship article application from 10 am til 5pm! M called me at 5 and I was pretty fried, and yet I still had the rest of my KM article to work on. It was exhausting. I said I'd work on my application until 6:15 and then I was submitting it. I did. I think I said something stupid about not having a program at my school, which I then googled and felt dumb because we did, it was just brand-new, but it frazzled me.
Once I had that submitted, I worked from 8pm to 11pm on my KM article and formatted it. So exhausting. I submitted it at 10:59 1 minute before it was due! Sigh. Soooo exhausted! I then realized I still had to grade the three assignments for my kids, looming over my head, so I did that until 12am and finally fell asleep at 12:30.
Slept until 630am on Tues when I got up and went to school, worked, taught, and bought a few groceries (mainly paper towels and tp and all that stuff you hate to buy but you have to). I came home and was just kind of clueless of how to relax. I couldn't even sleep. I was just still so fried. I talked to M at 5 and then I fell asleep until 730 and walked B. I wasn't even tired after that small nap and I certainly wasn't hungry for some reason. I kind of stared off into space until about 10 or so, looking at miscellaneous websites and reading beauty and perfume reviews. I had no idea what I was doing. I got an email saying my KM article had been unsubmitted for some reason and I couldn't really address why so I just went to bed. I fixed it this morning though.
I was still a little bit unstable this AM (the JPG deal) but later today I am going to the coffee shop to work on my poster presentation so I can hopefully have a good draft before M comes on Friday. I am so glad most of my hard work is out of the way before he comes, even if it was all due in one very short month! Jeez how did I survive that ! I wonder. I didn't sleep well at first last night because my brain was defragging and reviewing every single worry in the world. Bills. Annual reviews. Rejection. Expenses if accepted. Late exams. Summer funding. Augh. I have no idea but I will deal with it when it comes. Starting next month I start getting my peasly little paychecks with extra insurance taken out :( I wish I didn't have to pay that crap. Sigh!!
I paid my bills today and got a bit stressed about money, how my budget is even with no extras. I only had $30 worth of extras this month and it was still more than I wanted with extra vet bills and so on. So stressful. I applied for all this funding but I have to be realistic that my chances are low for a dissertation scholarship and the other fellowship is also very low :( I really would love to get that though. I just know from last year...800 applicants...12 awards...I mean, the chances are soo teenie and that was for some random thing! I still apply because it helps me get closer to an article at least, and augh I don't want to worry about it. I know we will do our taxes very soon and that will help a little at least pay off my cc bill from the conference I go to in a few weeks. Augh. The payment of $450 for 2 nights rooms kills me. That is like half my monthly paycheck. Augh. I know you have to do these things, but augh. SO much money. I am trying really hard to budget though and not spend poorly or make bad decisions. I have to be super careful with how I spend the dough when M is here (food $$) and then factor in gas to go to Dallas and train money, etc for Chicago. Bringing food to travel with. Ack. So expensive. I get $620 back but my trip is more like $750 base without taxes and trains and so on. And food. I am glad A is going to meet me there. I feel whelmed.
Ah I will hopefully be working by next year and can pay off any debt I get. I am really trying to keep it low. :( It is just so hard to live on $12,000 a year! So hard. Especially when we could be saving rent if we were to live in the same city :( Oh well I can't worry about what I can't change right now, I guess!
I wish I didn't have this 3:30 meeting looming over my head but I know I need to go. It will help me make friends too I guess, get me out of this dissertation bubble. I think R will be there and A. I can get some work done and clean in the meantime. I have 2.5 hours until I have to leave. So I hope I can clean some in that meantime. It just doesn't feel much like a day off (bleh work tomo and then Friday with Annual Reviews) I feel like I have no time to myself before M comes. Maybe tonight. I just feel stressed! I want to relax!
No comments:
Post a Comment