Sleeping Queen

I have been sleeping so hard since I got back from Dallas! I drove home all day Wednesday and had to work early Thursday morning, and ran around like crazy to set up my poster for the graduate student poster competition and get a tshirt for Friday. I came home around 3:30--I was supposed to go food shopping (I have nothing) but I wasn't in the mood to go full out shopping.

Instead I slept! So hard! And when B wanted to be walked I had the hardest time getting up. I felt like I weighed 500 lbs and I pretty much had to roll out of bed. I was exhausted. Usually when I get up and start walking around outside I become alert and ready to work, but this feeling of heavy weight lasted the rest of the night :( I needed to update my pre-proposal for my last two committee members and I just couldn't get there on Thursday. I was annoyed at myself.

I woke up around 8 on Friday and got ready for the poster competition. I walked B and then I finally got to work on the proposal at . My #2 had only minor comments but each had to be addressed in a paragraph or two so it took me a while, and I had to quit at 10 to go up to school. I was thisclose to being done and being able to turn it in, and I would have loved that kind of closure for the day. After the four hour long contest, I had to work to make up my hours for being at that conference on Tuesday. I thought I would have time to grade a little but I had a lot of things to do. I came home at 5, talked to M for a little at 6:30 and then I took another huge nap until 8:30. I woke up and everything was dark! I felt all heavy again. And I couldn't motivate myself to finish my last tweaks on the proposal! So I have to do that today. I watched some 90210 DVDs instead from Netflix :) that helped me relax. I finally feel like I am actually home again.

I woke up at 8 on my own and drowsed a little more with B before he woke me up again at 830 to go walk. Now it is nearly 10 and I am feeling ready to work! I would have loved turning in the pre proposal yesterday but I guess it is ok if I send it today. I need to justify my SEM choice I guess. I added some diagrams. Now I have to talk about my follow up interviews and make an appendix for sample questions. Hopefully after that, I can be done! sigh so exhausting!

Later today I need to make my reading list plan for the next few weeks since I have not really  had a chance to work on that stuff since I came back in January. Too many other proposals due, and conference abstracts, and papers drafted!

Weekend goals:
SAT
Add to, revise, edit and submit pre-proposal to committee
Make reading list calendar (3 hours per day: goal)
Read 3 hours of Faber
Read 1st article proposal and add diagrams
Grade 3-1s (19)-3 hours? 10 min ea

SUN
Reduce # of words for article, revise 1 last time and submit to journal.
Read 3 hours
Grade 3-3s  (19) -4 hours? 15 min ea

MON
Read 3 hours
Lesson plan
Grade 3-2s (19) -4 hours? 15 min ea

TUES
Read 3 hours
Regular work day

Return from Chicago

Spring break is over :( it was good while it lasted but the time off is never enough. M came to visit on the 4th and I had to work the week after, but it went fine. We had one week off together and it went by so fast! We had to drive to Dallas so he could watch the dog while I was in Chicago for a conference. I had an all right time; I was really hurting on money though so we stayed close to the hotel for food. I don't know if I thought we would run around or whatever but I am not really caring. The presentation went ok; I felt ok presenting, but I didn't have a huge crowd which was ok for my first time anyway. I don't know if it was worth $700 though for sure!

Today I worked and we did some stuff in class today starting on Unit 4. I have  aLOT to grade this weekend but I think I am still in recovery mode after Driving 12 hours and flying another 10 hours in the past week, coupled with presenting for the first time, submitting a grant application, and revising my pre proposal. I have one more revision I need to get done tonight but I am not motivated to work on it just yet. I vow to have it done tonight though. I need to get moving on that. I only have a few sections to fix but I had a big nap today from 4:45 to 6:45 and I had a really hard time getting up from it! I talked on the phone to M a bit but I was still really tired after walking B and reading the paper and eating a little. I might watch a 90210. I am supposed to go in to work tomorrow; I can't do that until 2pm, but I am hoping this takes care of the hours I missed? I don't want to come in on that Monday... Anyway I will worry about it later.

I had to set up my poster with velcro today, pick up my tshirt for the competition tomorrow, and submit funding receipts for my travel today. I got two new forms though that might need to be printed.

Other items on my to-do list:
Follow up with Ashley about travel receipts
Follow up with grant application receipt
Poster competition tomorrow (handouts?/cards?)
Resubmit my pre-proposal to committee
Email 2 people from my presentation about the survey and rubric and the correlations.
Set up reading list for next 6 weeks
GRADE tons of papers for the students this weekend
AND RECOVER! Relax

Survived February!

I can't believe it. I got everything in by its deadline. I am still kind of in shock. In fact, I had to call M today because I was having trouble importing a chart from one Word version to another, so I thought I'd take a screen shot of it and just import it as a JPG and my brain was so frazzled I couldn't even remember how to do that. SIGH. I was just 1 +1 = ?????? where is my calculator? Sigh.

And I couldn't even work on Saturday. Friday was really a wash. I went to a poster session on how to create a great poster for the competition later in March and the 3 powerpoints I had to sit through were complete waste of time. God. I even got up early that day, drove to school, took the bus to the library, sat there for two hours and ...what a waste. Anyway. It really threw off my Friday and I don't think I got much work done. Saturday I felt fried from my pre-proposal still. I hadn't any days off to recover. I was annoyed with myself for not working but I also knew I couldn't force myself to. However, I didn't even get to really enjoy it by saying "I am taking today off"--instead I just wasted it and frizzled it away on old City episodes and stuff and laconic reading of this and that with no real processing going on :( Oh well. I know when I can't work, I can't work, and my brain rejected me that day.

Sunday I got up at the crack and worked though. All day. From 10am basically to 5am. It was insane and I was getting stressed out. I mainly worked on my KM article for the conference proceedings. I was glad I had my diagrams done earlier. Then I went to bed at 5am and woke up around 9:30 and worked on my fellowship article application from 10 am til 5pm! M called me at 5 and I was pretty fried, and yet I still had the rest of my KM article to work on. It was exhausting. I said I'd work on my application until 6:15 and then I was submitting it. I did. I think I said something stupid about not having a program at my school, which I then googled and felt dumb because we did, it was just brand-new, but it frazzled me. 

Once I had that submitted, I worked from 8pm to 11pm on my KM article and formatted it. So exhausting. I submitted it at 10:59 1 minute before it was due! Sigh. Soooo exhausted! I then realized I still had to grade the three assignments for my kids, looming over my head, so I did that until 12am and finally fell asleep at 12:30.

Slept until 630am on Tues when I got up and went to school, worked, taught, and bought a few groceries (mainly paper towels and tp and all that stuff you hate to buy but you have to). I came home and was just kind of clueless of how to relax. I couldn't even sleep. I was just still so fried. I talked to M at 5 and then I fell asleep until 730 and walked B. I wasn't even tired after that small nap and I certainly wasn't hungry for some reason. I kind of stared off into space until about 10 or so, looking at miscellaneous websites and reading beauty and perfume reviews. I had no idea what I was doing. I got an email saying my KM article had been unsubmitted for some reason and I couldn't really address why so I just went to bed. I fixed it this morning though.


I was still a little bit unstable this AM (the JPG deal) but later today I am going to the coffee shop to work on my poster presentation so I can hopefully have a good draft before M comes on Friday. I am so glad most of my hard work is out of the way before he comes, even if it was all due in one very short month! Jeez how did I survive that ! I wonder. I didn't sleep well at first last night because my brain was defragging and reviewing every single worry in the world. Bills. Annual reviews. Rejection. Expenses if accepted. Late exams. Summer funding. Augh. I have no idea but I will deal with it when it comes. Starting next month I start getting my peasly little paychecks with extra insurance taken out :( I wish I didn't have to pay that crap. Sigh!!

I paid my bills today and got a bit stressed about money, how my budget is even with no extras. I only had $30 worth of extras this month and it was still more than I wanted with extra vet bills and so on. So stressful. I applied for all this funding but I have to be realistic that my chances are low for a dissertation scholarship and the other fellowship is also very low :( I really would love to get that though. I just know from last year...800 applicants...12 awards...I mean, the chances are soo teenie and that was for some random thing! I still apply because it helps me get closer to an article at least, and augh I don't want to worry about it. I know we will do our taxes very soon and that will help a little at least pay off my cc bill from the conference I go to in a few weeks. Augh. The payment of $450 for 2 nights rooms kills me. That is like half my monthly paycheck. Augh. I know you have to do these things, but augh. SO much money. I am trying really hard to budget though and not spend poorly or make bad decisions. I have to be super careful with how I spend the dough when M is here (food $$) and then factor in gas to go to Dallas and train money, etc for Chicago. Bringing food to travel with. Ack. So expensive. I get $620 back but my trip is more like $750 base without taxes and trains and so on. And food. I am glad A is going to meet me there. I feel whelmed.

Ah I will hopefully be working by next year and can pay off any debt I get. I am really trying to keep it low. :( It is just so hard to live on $12,000 a year! So hard. Especially when we could be saving rent if we were to live in the same city :( Oh well I can't worry about what I can't change right now, I guess!

I wish I didn't have this 3:30 meeting looming over my head but I know I need to go. It will help me make friends too I guess, get me out of this dissertation bubble. I think R will be there and A. I can get some work done and clean in the meantime. I have 2.5 hours until I have to leave. So I hope I can clean some in that meantime. It just doesn't feel much like a day off (bleh work tomo and then Friday with Annual Reviews) I feel like I have no time to myself before M comes. Maybe tonight. I just feel stressed! I want to relax!

7 days: I can make it.

Lots of things going on.

Good news:

• Getting reimbursed $420.00 from the graduate school for my conference! That covers my hotel room (I'll still have to pay another $300 for my plane ticket, but who cares! It is better than nothing!) :D
• Ee! Found out I am getting another $200 from the department for the conference! I only have to pay $200 or so out of pocket :)

• Drafts are in full swing...but I just want to be finished so I can cross things off my list.

Things I want to work on this week:
MON 2/21--complete draft prospectus, grade 4 2-1s and 8 2-2s, lesson plan
TUES 2/22--teach, work, grade 8 2-2s, prospectus to A
WED 2/23--Article #1 outline & color coded, with Method (survey),Results and Discussion, grade8 2-1s
THUR 2/24--Article #2 outline & color coded with Method (interviews), Results, grade 5 2-1s (done)
FRI 2/25--Article #1Lit Review and intro, smoothing, grade 8
SAT 2/26--Article #2 Discussion, review Lit Review, smoothing
SUN 2/27--Article #1 perfect, submit (application for summer)
MON 2/28--Article #2 perfect, submit (online application)

TUES 3/1 RELAX
WED 3/2 CLEAN

THUR 3/3 Submit the last funding request for March., clean for M's visit
FRI 3/4 PPT poster for the GS competition on 3/25, clean for M's visit

Feeling better

I cleaned all day. Basically from noon to now (four). I did laundry. I folded it. I put it away. I went through all my binders and tossed out papers. I found my travel drive with my tax information from 2009. Got new sheets on. New towels. I vacuumed. Cleaned up my desk. Made lists of things I need and have to do.

So glad I skipped that meeting today and took a personal day instead! I feel so much better.

Whelmed: the theme of February?

I woke up today with my (not bad, but more sad) mood not yet dissipated. I thought I could sleep it off. I went to bed at 11:30 and set my alarm for 8am, but I got up around 10 when Boris wanted to be walked. We walked outside and it was beautiful and I hoped the mood would vanish by the time we returned. I got a letter from M and it was cute and had drawings of me, him, and B.

I don't know why I feel so sad! Is it the disappointing mom stuff, the teaching evaluation, my disillusionment with working in a university, plain old M.K. and his rudeness, the feeling I am not good at what I am doing? I just keep having horrible thoughts that stress me out. My girlfriend who just graduated college in June after having a baby (alone) in Washington, and how she can't afford to have her heat on due to student loans and other expenses like day care. The thought of ICU bills for my friends with twins, reaching over a million dollars. How do you live like this? The college grad especially makes me sad. The whole reason she went and finished was to make a better life for her son, and now she is drowning more in bills than if she had just maintained a minimum-wage job at a clothing store. It is just so sad.

Anyway, it is these little thoughts in my head that is keeping me down. I know I have work to do today and I need to do it. I just am not sure how to stop. I am not going to the meeting with MK today because a) we don't learn anything and he doesn't plan an agenda, he just spouts; and b) it is a waste of 2 hours. I would have to drive in (30 min ea way) for an hour meeting. It is just a waste of time. And I have not yet recovered from how rude he was yesterday during my evaluation. I wish I had asked him if I had done anything right. I even "walked around the classroom" and "hovered around their shoulders" like he told me to last time (like a 1980s elementary school teacher). Sigh. It is really depressing and not encouraging. I know I should get over it, but I am just still so disappointed that he picked yesterday of all days to come and observe an ill-traveled white girl teaching "multicultural" lessons. Sigh. I wish I had had one of our international students speak! Sigh. I just want to move on. And that is probably the last time he will observe between now and the time I leave.

I say leave in case I don't graduate. On the phone last night with A, I just got so jaded about why I am here. I love researching, but I just don't think I am going to get a job at a university because no one is hiring. And now that I know you have to teach 2 days on your interview, I can't see that going very well a la MK. Academics are so snobby, and I just don't see a majority of them encouraging you. They are very high school in the way they deal with people. They don't like new people and they tend to only hire when forced. It is very rigid for a supposedly liberal field. I guess it is mostly self-centered people who go into academia because they think they are so awesome at school? And then a small percentage because they want to go to help others? I wonder.

Ideally, I would work at a school like where I got my M.A. in Washington. I really loved that school. The surrounding area did not have a very robust economy, and most of the students there were not, say, "low income," but they worked to pay for it and really wanted to be there--they weren't just students shipped off at 18 to go to college because that was what their parents thought they should do. I liked that about my old school, and those are the types of students I like to encourage. I love the students here, too, they are great and hardworking! But it is the faculty and administration that stifles a lot of the fun. And I know that they are a small part of it and not in your classroom all the time with you, but I don't know if I could make it past the interview process.

The older I get, the less sure of myself I have become. I don't speak confidently like I did when I was 23 and getting my first job. I thought I could do anything. And I usually did! I lost that quality long ago. The last time I really remember having it was when I was applying for a job in Bethesda and the organization was wanting a Master's with research experience and I didn't have enough. That drove me. I was looking for another job, actively, even when moving to Washington. I think I may have still "had it" when I applied for the MA program. I think I started losing it after that interview. I remember feeling worthless and as an imposter. And then I got in. And I think I just worked my bum off to stay in and finish. A lot of people didn't finish, I notice later, including people like G who was really bright. She just now defended her thesis 5 full years after starting. That surprised me. It is just more evidence that graduate school is about tenacity over brightness.

I do often wonder what life would be like if I had chosen Washington over Texas. I was drawn to Texas for a variety of reasons (family, comfort of campus, etc) but I realize that Washington was a much better school and I could have gotten a much more prestigious degree from them and a better job. But then I wonder if I would have liked it there, and if I would have finished. I just felt the need to flee the state after that big breakup. I don't know. And I am glad I met M after all this time. I just don't really feel connected to my department anymore, and that may be a feeling most people go through in their 3rd year. I don't know. I just need to work hard the next 14 months and get the heck out of here. Start something new. Again. Sigh.

February's tasks

 
These were the tasks I had from January:

• Departmental scholarship application
• Graduate school poster competition abstract
• Nag Sandra about survey
• Email Chad about survey
• Email Ruby about survey
• Grade last of Unit 1 assignments
• August conference abstract
• Graduate school scholarship application (draft)
• CA article Draft #2 (final)
• Survey article Draft #1 (5000 words)

February's list seems even lengthier:

• Interview #1: Amanda
• Interview #2: Lisa
• Interview #3: Chad (discarded)
• Interview #3: Sara
• Graduate school application (due 2/16)
• Conference abstract for August due 2/02
• Conference paper for August conference 5,000 w due 2/28
• Email Ruby from January for Interview #4
• Email Leah from January for Interview #5
• Draft survey article for fellowship application 5,000 w due 2/28
• Apply to speak at GP conference in Vegas due 02/15 2000 characters
• Revise prospectus for committee by 2/15
• Work on a paper for GP journal peer review starts 3/15

The prospectus is the heavy hitter right now.

Today is Monday.

This is how I would ideally spend my week:
Sunday 2/13: GS scholarship application completed, email Angie re: letter
Monday 2/14: Interview Lisa, email Angie re: letter, work on KM in NPOs article, see what I can add to prospectus, apply for GP conference (why the heck not)
Tuesday 2/15: [teaching/grading resumes]-break (read for lit review (3))
Wednesday 2/16: Finalize 5p prospectus and send to Angie for review.
Thursday 2/17: [teaching/grading CLs]-break
Friday 2/18: Draft Survey article into appropriate sections and complete sentences
Saturday 2/19: Revise Method, Result, Discussion
Sunday 2/20: Revise Introduction, Abstract. Revise entire article holistically.
Monday 2/21: Prepare fellowship application. Read up on kmnop

And next week:
Tuesday 2/22: [teach] Read for lit review (3)
Wednesday 2/23: Draft Method, Results, for km. Read for Lit review (3)
Thursday 2/24: [teach] Read for lit review (3)
Friday 2/25:
Saturday 2/26:
Sunday 2/27:
Monday 2/28: Submit fellowship application

Insomnia

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping since the beginning of this week. Last night marked the third night in a row that I did not toss and turn until the alarm went off. It has been miserable. I know I have  a lot on my plate for this month, but I am not physically anxious about it to the point of worry, but I guess there is an anxiety undercurrent below the surface that has really messed up my system! :C

I think I am just worried I won't be able to sleep once again! Augh that is so stressful. Even with two pills on Monday I couldn't sleep until after 3 and then I overslept because I turned my 6am alarm off and didn't have time to touch up my lesson plans. I still got through, but it was stressful waking at 7:22 and having to be out the door by 7:40 or 7:50! I got to school at 8:15 that day. Horrible!

Here are a list of things that are on my head:

• My students don't speak in class, and I can't get them to. It's getting really awkward.
• K has not come by for my observation, and he gave me a two week window, so that has been two weeks of waiting/stressing/lesson planning craziness to worry about when there is nothing I can do but show up and act normal.
• Summer funding application looming large.
• Second letter for scholarships is not uploaded (yet) (sigh).
• Realized almost too late that the abstract needed for a conference was actually a huge conference proceedings paper (5,000 words) which is kind of difficult to whip up in a week, and I have already spent a lot of time putting together the abstract. Might be able to do this this weekend though.
• My blog readership is lower and lower each day! It makes me sad. I peaked last Thursday on a bad outfit, and I am not sure if this is consistent across a lot of them or what, but I feel really bummed about that. I thought I had found a new focus/outlet. I have had hardly 30 views today. Last week I was having around 100/day. Makes me wonder if I am bad at it! :( I don't look forward to it as much if I know my readers aren't growing. Declining! Sad.
• Need to update my prospectus, but I also need to do that for my GS scholarship plan AND my other research application. So that is a 5-10 page report I need to write up. I am just really whelmed about this because it needs to be convincing and I just don't feel I can whip it up as fast as I would like, and I need to have a prospectus to my committee 2 full months before I take my exams. However, I do interview 2 people this week. Which is good. So maybe I will have something to work with. I think today I will focus on background, users, and studies of Intr.
• Always something else! Augh!

Things I have gotten done this week: (or very recently)

• Set up 2 interviews (one for Wed, one for maybe Fri if she returns my email)
• Developed abstract for one conference
• Finished 13/14ths of my scholarship package for summer funding (last page is hard though)
• Took B to the vet for his rabies booster and regular shots
• Installed my registration sticker on my car windshield and put my new insurance cards in my glove.
• Developed a billion slides for my first presentation ever.
• Finalized my first article and sent it to my adviser for her comments.
• Planned out my second article.
• Started planning out a third article based on my interview and 1st and 2nd article results.
• Double-checked that one of my scholarship letters showed up in the departmental account on Mon.

I know I just need to shut it and go about my work. Sigh. I cleaned a little, that helped some. Maybe getting ready will help to. It is already freaking 1pm.

Focusing on the good

Yesterday was so great. I needed a snow day and I used it really effectively. I caught up on so many things. I got my first follower, and she was from my old town! I felt a stronger connection to people who share the same interests as me (even if it is as "trivial" as clothes and makeup spending) than I have in the whole two years I have been down in Texas for graduate school. It has been a few great weeks of 2011.

I was thinking about friendships in your 30s, and how different they are from your 20s--why is that? I realize as much now...you just have to spend time with someone who is still going through life talking as if they are in their 20s. I don't mean to generalize. I guess I just mean "young"--as in, they like to talk about themselves and their problems. Maybe when you get a little older you realize your problems don't strike the fancy "of so many people" as you thought when you were younger (mainly because you were so self-absorbed in your own thoughts). Maybe being young is about dumping your problems, then your friend dumping her problems, then you jointly commiserate. Maybe being older is about listening more and being concerned about minor things, less.

I just have one friend whose entire conversations revolve only about her. We had been starting to get close in 2009, and then she got pregnant. Topics then revolved around pregnancy, and we just didn't have much in common anymore, because we had been doing the "20something dump" whenever we would go out together. Last year (2010) we tried to renew the friendship and we would meet for coffee once a week, but I realized I just wasn't into having another "20something" data dump of problems. That and it tended to be 80% her problems and 20% mine. We are both married, but I think most married females don't talk much about their husbands to surface friends, just because they can't really complain about anything if they can't easily get rid of the guy! Lol. Understandable. But it also leads to a lot of surface friendships.

I pulled out of her and my relationship after a few of these dumping sessions last fall, when I would walk away more drained than energized, and I can't say I miss talking to her. We aren't "not friends" and we are even friendly to each other at school--we just don't call each other anymore. And I am fine with that. But it did make me realize how limited my circle is here at school. I just don't really care for many of the people I am in class with or work with, and everyone seems to be focused on themselves. I think I am focused on myself, too now, and I am enjoying it (but I can't hold a conversation with these people!). I think that I have come to accept that this is who a lot of people ARE in their 30s--this is why we are boring and have children--as grownups, we just aren't as interesting. Our lives are more stable, and there isn't a tumultuous relationship to dissect after every binge weekend. So that is just how it is! I remember I once asked my Ma if that was why people had children--because they are bored and wanted an 18 year project to talk about. I think she said yes. Anyway.

I am happy to say I feel a connection now that I am blogging about my clothes and decisions and that all started with blogging about makeup last year. It is a sense of release and connection, to only talk about the positive things in your life and the things that interest you with others who are interested in similar stuff! That is a relief. I am so much more fulfilled than I had been last semester when I had been trying to gather participants for research lectures, dinners and socializing. I just didn't like these people, no matter how I tried. And that is ok! :)

I made this snow day

It is so stinkin' cold out! Eek! -15F with wind gusts of 30mph. I had such a hard time sleeping last night and I was stressed about having to have my teaching evaluation on a day where a) half the students are absent due to the delay and b) not being personally motivated to drive 45m one way to teach an 80 minute class. The weather cleared up and had stopped snowing by morning, but the wind and subzero temperatures were not helping with the ice. School canceled morning classes, but mine were not til 11. The cut off point. Beh.

I knew I would be bitter if I went in, and we use Moodle anyway, so I decided to put the day's tasks online instead. Now I feel better about this week. I actually spent a lot (4 hours) playing around with the discussion and wiki formats on Moodle, and even played with the upload assignment aspect. I just haven't had time to mess around with it that much. So I feel better about that. And I actually think that having a written response will be better for my students because they aren't real big talkers in the class,and sometimes I step over the ones who do because I get excited and want to chime in. Anyway, I am looking forward to Thursday. I wish they had just canceled classes all day (it's still only 14 with 25mph winds!) but I feel justified in my decisions. If my teacher wants to look up and see what we did on Tuesday, hopefully the kids will have posted their responses. I hope that forum works. I tried to test it as well as I could with my "fake" student profile.

I also didn't go into work today, which I feel only mildly guilty about. I am only missing 2 hours work. I don't think it will be a huge deal. Still feel mild guilt, but you know, you have to make judgment calls in those areas. I have been waiting for the "bug guys" to come spray our apartments (I hate being here when they come, but what can you do today?) but I think they may have rescheduled due to weather as well. See? I am not the only crazy one. They are usually here by 1 and it is nearly 3pm.

I have to do my 30-for-30 remix. I am wondering how that will go. I worked on my blog last night and figured out how to post buttons which made me psyched. And I have been reading up on cute tutorials here and there. I would like to know why my posts aren't always showing up when I comment on peoples' pages though. That is irritating. But I did join IFB and I am just waiting on my confirmation email to log in.

I responded to a student who wanted feedback on his scholarship essays and I was so pleased. He was very candid and likeable in them, it made me happy and hope he wins some dough. I need to work on my article revision for NLM and then read my 3 articles for my Trust paper. Need to get that out of the way.
Time to work!

Tasks for this week:

• Departmental scholarship application
• Graduate school poster competition abstract
• Nag Sandra about survey
• Email Chad about survey
• Email Ruby about survey
• Grade last of Unit 1 assignments
• August conference abstract
• Graduate school scholarship application (draft)
• CA article Draft #2 (final)
• Survey article Draft #1 (5000 words)

Game plan

I am really happy with what I accomplished all weekend. I forgot to mention I also got rid of some nice trojan viruses on my computer Friday night around midnight. The exciting life of me.

I have spent all afternoon doing a handful of things for my scholarships but none are at completion yet. I thought writing my tasks down and posting them online would help nag me. What the main trouble is, is that we are supposed to have horrible weather all night and no school for tomorrow (which is also the day I work 5 hours in IT) so I am really amp'd about maybe having a free day off.

However. Departmental scholarships are due tomorrrow. I needed to get the application in by today at noon (ya it is now 5PM) because it never fails to have the website get all backed up when people are trying to work on their 14-screen application last minute. God. So that is my next task.

Unrelated, I applied for a graduate student research poster competition and found inspiration for my scholarship applications through a conference that is offered in August. So I guess I have been "working" on my application, just not writing it all down like need be.

I also nagged someone to finish a survey I had sent them, got a contact name, and will email another survey-taker tomorrow. Here's hoping! I will update the rest of my list later because now I am getting paranoid about being locked out of the departmental scholarship website due to high traffic. HOPE for the day off tomorrow!!! ee!! I would love it!

Accomplishments!

I have done a TON this week!

I had a million things to do before I could turn in my conference slides for a 75 minute talk. Those were due Friday. I had drafted a version earlier this month and had run all my stats. Did that help?? You would think! I worked all day Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday night, and Friday night to get those things done. I felt I couldn't present a summary of my work until I had written the article. So 5,000 words later, I was finally done. It was actually harder to cut down the words from 8,000 or however many I had in the original draft study. Either way, I am really close to submitting that first study for publication! One more look-through and it will be ready!

I finished all my slides by Friday morning at 5AM. Slept until 10:30 for a noon meeting, and had to confront someone I won't mention about an email I sent two weeks ago regarding a letter I had requested for Tuesday. Got my vague answer. Shopped at Target a bit. Came home and more WORK! I don't know why I am on such a roll this week! I do have a bit of insomnia though left over from my 3am nights (almost every day this week, and Tues/Thurs I have to be up at 630 for work and teaching. Since I couldn't sleep on Friday, I went ahead and burned through the assignments in my queue to grade and emailed them back. After this Tuesday, I will get a break for 2 full weeks on grading! Yea for starting Unit 2!

I took yesterday (Saturday) off and lounged around playing video games on my DS and reading Raising Demons by Shirley Jackson. M's parents gave me a copy for Christmas! Loved it. It was on par with Life Among the Savages which I loved! Around 6pm or so I got an email from my adviser asking about departmental scholarships (due Tues), so I wrote back and said yes I am planning on applying! and wrote up my plans upon graduation. I sent those off to my two people and used part of the draft for one of my scholarship applications. I also updated my Teaching Philosophy and used THAT as part of my scholarships too! So I am about 80% done with both. I need to finish the departmental one tonight (other isn't due til the 16th). Smug! :)

I still have a big list of things I need to do (work on article #2 and some applications for summer fellowships) but I feel really good about what all I got done this week! I was completely evil by Thursday though, with combined lack of sleep and no real end in sight. I am so glad I got everything submitted on time!

It has been a good weekend. I am glad I took ALL of yesterday off (except for that little bit of work) and I feel relaxed once again. And how is it almost February? M will be here in 1 month and I take my exams in 3 months. Positively insane! I am moving at a really good pace though! Interviews start tomorrow for my study.

Academics and chaff

Urg. Two tart emails from people I don't really respect anyway. Why do the emails still put a damper on my afternoon? One about replies to a thread someone started about lesson planning and one from a teacher who didn't realize I was asking for a letter of recommendation (due Tues) in the email I sent three full weeks ago. Thanks. Flake.

I should not really care; but it just reinforces that I really am not sure about the whole professor profession once I am finished graduating. So many (definitely not ALL but a good deal) tend to be so flaky. Not in an endearing, "nutty genius" sort of way, either. Usually in a smug, jerk sort of way that makes you feel dumb for asking them to do something for you, when it is really actually their job to conduct a teaching evaluation on you. 

Anyway, there are a lot of tactful reminder emails that I have to send around, constantly, and for some reason I feel like the dolt instead of the person who flaked on actually answering the initial questions (responding to an email is a nice thing to do). I wonder why that is. Why do I let the chaff bother me?


Either way, I don't want to be like that once I am done with school. I would love to keep teaching; I absolutely love the students, but it is like I want to do it in an isolated bubble of my students, myself, and my community (not university) and not deal with all the waste. I just don't want to be a part of that group I find to be so....unlikeable. Just read one page of comments on the Chronicle of Higher Education if you want an example. It is so high school.

I read an article today about parenting and the changes that take place in your personality (I was curious!), and one of the items that struck me was that you no longer cared about stupid stuff like my above irritation. You just let it roll off you. You have other things to think about, I guess. Well, I have other things to think about, too! Like scholarship applications that are due on Tuesday. A fellowship application. An article draft. A second article draft. Lesson planning for Tuesdsay. My teaching observation this week!

I guess what I am saying is I wish I could just fast forward to that part in life where you don't care so much about terse/ignorant emails or little things that really don't mean anything. I wish I could do it now, without the child part. Lol. Is there some hormonal concentrate I can take for this? Give it to me! I want to stop caring about the things that don't matter.

I guess realizing they don't matter is the first step. Long journey though. It's already been 32 years!

Curbing habits/perfect person

I have been window-shopping online all morning :(  wasting time, but at least not wasting $$.

I need something like MakeupAlley to keep me from buying clothes--I can get online and read reviews of every magical product that sounds good to me and then be grounded in reality when I read that the item does/does not deliver, or better yet, something I already own works better. My little makeup trunk/tackle box I bought at Academy is also a big influence. I can see everything I own and use it up before buying more stuff.

The most perfect person thing I have done all year that I am MOST proud of is breaking my habit of stockpiling. I get paranoid that "they" will stop making what I like, so I would stock up on stuff whenever it was on sale and then have 10 bottles of shampoo or whatever in the cabinet. Spending $ on stuff I don't even need yet. It obviously adds up! I have been really good about using up all my supplies that I have saved up over the years, and my absolute favorite thing is to throw away an empty bottle. That is my new high, and I get mad if I hear M throw it away before I do. Lol.

Bangs

Five minutes ago, as I cut my bangs over the sink and trim my hair, I think, "I am not going to trim my own hair anymore: it is weird and always looks a bit off." snip snip snip

Whenever I get my hair cut by a professional, they basically just trim up what I already have going on. No new lengths or anything crazy, even if I let them do what they want. And I don't think my cut is particularly very attractive for my face shape & body. I have really weird hair though. 70% of the strands are fine, while the other 30% are these weird coarse hairs that bend and shape to their own liking. I have to be fast on the draw with the blowdryer or I am in deep trouble. If I am in a climate with high humidity? Forget it.

When I loop my damp hair in a bun, I do not get "soft waves" or anything that looks remotely sane in the morning (or PM). I get weird, bendy kinks that looks like a square. The fine hair flattens out and goes straight, while the coarse hair does what it wants (curls more). I don't get it. But I think that is why hairdressers are afraid of my hair.

"Oh, you have a lot of natural curl!" they squeal, thinking I am a scrunch-and-go type of client. But it only scrunches well from my ears and below.  The top of my head stays as straight as an arrow, and if I am lucky, curls underneath at the ends.

snip, snip





 

Organizing

Things I am proud of:

• Eating/using all the fruit and vegetables I bought last week {perfect person}
• Eating 3 soups that had been in my cabinet the better part of a year {pp}
• Not leaving red cups (half filled with coffee) around my apartment {pp}
• Running on Monday like I planned
• Lifting weights on Tuesday like I planned
• Paying off my credit card this morning and still having $ left over
• Not being a brat for 10 whole days (so far) after leaving M to come back to school 
• I thought I was quite charming when meeting his parents and family over the holidays!
• Making a grocery list and planning out some meals, and sticking to it for a whole week
• Keeping my friends from my old job after not being in contact with them for 2.5 years
• Going to bed rather early last night (11pm)
• Choosing my committee by my own deadline (11/30/10)
• Getting my reading list approved & scheduling my exam in May '11

Things I am not

• Waking up later than I wanted (9:30am)
• Letting the bulbs in my bathroom burn out one by one instead of replacing (now at 2 of 4)
• Starting 2 blogs today instead of working on IRB stuff
• Not feeling like running (like I planned) [but it is windy]
• Spending the first six hours of today reading blogs and spacing out instead of finishing something that was due Monday

Over her

I think I have moved on from my old darling, Spokane. I notice my speech is not littered with, "ya, my friend in Spokane..." or "when I was in Washington there was this...." as much. I feel like I have fully committed to my new town and accepted it for who she is. I have now lived here 2.5 years and plan to move in another 1.5. Is that how long it takes to get over your ex-town?

It still feels nice, though.

The name

330 miles from the husband (school). Fruit pies (and gasoline) live at the halfway point of the drive.